Tanjonny's Xanga

It's still alive

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 10:51:31 GMT

Hello everyone,

Just an FYI note that this blog is still alive and kicking!

I went for a social media workshop the other day, and as the presenters were talking about how their lifestyles revolved around Facebook, Twitter etc. I began to wonder why my online presence has died. It's simple really, I just found more wholesome and fruitful things to do offline.

It's not a case of right or wrong, just preference. I fill my time more with hanging out with a smaller group of people. As I grow up, perhaps less need for attention as well. In other words, I've grown content.

If contentment esclates along with age, then I can't wait to hit my twilight.

Thanks Simon, for kickstarting us back into action.

P/s: Happy birthday Liesl and Gor Ee! Here's to a stupendous year ahead. God bless.

taking stock

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 05:42:15 GMT

every now and then, there comes a point where we wonder: "wat's the point?"

sometimes it's life. sometimes it's work. basically, we're lost. everything's meaningless - ever get that? kat and I have this conversation aplenty.

I think Yeng hit it on the nail with her latest post - tt we forget the essence of Matt 6:33 "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."

SEEK FIRST. The greatest joy this life can ever give is a close walk with God. But no, I'd rather indulge in other things - but security of money, a "good" life a.k.a. nice house, good enough car, money to give kids good education. I mean, at my age, who doesn't think about these things?

But then, my good friend SW has been sharing on how work's eating his life away. And then you stop again, why do we bother piling in the hours. Sigh. I believe this is a lifelong wrestle. Necessary?

ADDED UNTO YOU. I guess when you seek God, you'd obtain a happiness that all the other 'goodies' no matter how pathetic or lavish, will merely come as supplements or bonuses. We wouldn't thrive on them nor suffer in their absence, knowing full well that we are whole in God.

This, is what we've come to know. But as we drone on day after day, it's obvious we never learn.

we're not very different from those 'stupid' Israelties back then.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:57:28 GMT

From Kee Ken's blog.

Jon said...

as you may guess, i've been having the same dilemma as you past month or so. I haven't updated since..... i can't rmb. but the thing is, i just don't feel like writing anymore.

then there's the whole "but you've been doing it for 5 years bla bla" in my head. and while the recollection is good, and i'm just so brilliant at rambling on and on (like now), it just saps too much time and energy for other more wonderful things i could be doing.

blogging has always been to share part of my life. but maybe as i grow up, i find myself more inclusive... and that sphere is drastically narrowing. it doesn't just reflect in the blogosphere but in reality as well. I keep a close sphere of close friends, and that's enough for me.

enough with the trumpeting. and doing more living.

but i'm sure that canvas will have its use when i actually feel like writing something again.

man, did i just announce my blog's obituary on yours? :P

12:37 PM

If I prevail over laziness, I would've had liked to talk about the U.S. trip and the sending off of one of my closest and dearest friends. Believe me, I would have so easily cried - but everyone was in denial! Positive peer pressure. Will miss ya bro. Sigh.

Japanese 101

Wed, 13 May 2009 06:52:40 GMT

Got this from MYC! campus magazine. Informative and hilarious at the same time. You'd be surprised how well your articulate the intonation perfectly. Shows we watch way too much anime. Heh!

Yih Shan, this is for you! Go bamboozle your darling with new-found vocabulary. ;)

Declaration of dependence

Wed, 06 May 2009 14:41:42 GMT

They say as you grow older, you learn how to stand on your own... to be independent.

I'm learning quite the opposite actually.

The first 5 months of 2009 has been, if anything, a discovery of how frail and pathetic I can be on my own. No, wait. Perhaps the phrasing is a tad bit negative. It should read: the trials and circumstances I've been through thus far have shown me how much further I go when I learn to depend and trust in others.

When I consider work, it's been a year which could have been tumultuous. A new client in an entirely new sphere which the team had little experience or know-how in. It was literally stepping into the unknown and learning to crawl. A bit like how God called Abraham to leave his home country in Haran. A step of faith.

Bringing God into the equation, he's made us pull through. I don't know bout my colleagues, but I pray fervently for every day that comes before us. That God would give us wisdom to make right decisions, to see things we would otherwise miss, to maintain our standards of excellence for what our clients pay us for. To do everything in a manner that pleases and honours Him. Of course, we play our part. Until today, I must say that things have been going right - very right, in fact - and humbly I take it that God has been pleased.

Easter was another test of faith. When I started writing a script in which I truly was God-inspired, it came as a heavy blow when it was shot down. I was disappointed, no doubt. However, there was a sense of release knowing that this was part of God's plan. The point I want to make here is that 'when you know God is in control, and I mean REALLY know He is in control, we can let go and let God.

That's what I did. Going against my nature to whine and complain, I gathered close friends and we came up with a plan B instead - which turned out to be a great blessing to the church! In hindsight, probably even more so than Plan A would have if we had stuck to it. I still ask God why then did He 'inspire' the initial script then? I still don't have an answer, but sometimes, it's not so much in the 'finding out' as it is with the 'trust and obey'. To say we believe in faith, obedience must follow.

And God has delivered.

Recently, Footstool Players won the Best Group Performance at the Boh Cameronian Awards. There was an element of romance to it in the sense that it was the 7th year since the awards' inception, which mirrored our 7 years in existence. For Christians, 7 is often the number association for 'fulfilment' or 'completion'. It was apt on such an occasion. I'll admit that I wasn't as shocked as the team because deep down, I knew that we had to win this - not so much for our ability, but for the proclamation it would make. Yes, that Christian drama could dish it out with the heavyweights of the 'secular' world. More so, I feel, the fact that a play portratying true, Godly love in its purest ideal would be acknowledged. On a night where the theme of 'love' was sarcastically and cynically made fun of, it was indeed a triumph for the love that God originally intended to be.

One of the key lessons I've learnt during my 7 years in Footstool is that God always gets his way. So, make sure you're taking the road He's taking and not being a road block.

Another key aspect of God's outpouring of blessing in my life is in the area of relationships. Having confessed my difficulty to love, God has strategised a means for me to learn. And I have seen some of these bear fruit. It's very intangible, but one knows when he's on the right track. I have also been loved much in return, by many whom I can't even begin to understand why they would.

God has blessed me so much, that I am at times speechless. I've not been perfect. I've not been completely obedient. Yet I think that perhaps, God is looking at my heart and intent, and He sees that I genuinely want to change and am desperately trying to. Another lesson springs to mind: "It is obedience, not success, that God so desires."

I am not at liberty to discuss all these in detail, more so the greatest gift He has presented thus far. Truly, a godsend - but perhaps, another way in which He would mould me in learning to be more like Him. God is sovereign. The moment we accept that He can make things wonderful if we obey and all things wrong if we rebel, we stand to regard Him more highly. With humility and reverence, subjects will finally discover the rewards of earning the King's favour.

And my, these riches are not attainable through cash.

Getting back in the groove.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 09:54:35 GMT

The word 'groove' is something I commonly associate with playing the bass. It's that certain 'feel' or the 'movingness' of a particular music. When I was still picking up bass as an instrument, the numerous teachers I had also had a tough time explaining to me the concept. Today, I think it's kinda like "feeling the music" or if you can bob your head, there's groove. Mraz has it. Jamiroquai has it. Jackson 5 has it. Don't know about Disney songs though.

However, groove in another context is also the "momentum" of things. As per the title, it's about getting back into a certain system or way of life.

I live a very hectic lifestyle. The nature of my job requires that I work rather long hours, and it's a lot of moving about and being very dynamic. Adapt quickly to change, learn to deal with demanding characters, get the job done. Further compounded by the nature of my ministry at church - keeping up with energetic youths, nuff said! - it's pretty chock-a-block on a day to day basis.

I find my days move at such incredible pace that even when I do take a day off, I find it increasingly difficult to just sit still and chill at home - even though I tell myself that's what I'd love to be doing! I'd rather be out and about with friends or finishing something up so that I'd have time later (to do what with, I don't know!).

Things kind of built up to a climax last week with a huge project at work and Easter culminating at the same time. My productivity was at its best. Now the problem started when I fell sick after Easter - very sick. The viral fever grounded me (think helpless groaning kid on couch) for a good few days.

Even then, my stubborn self forced myself to get out and about - because there were people I needed to see, and time doesn't wait even for the sick.

Fast forward a week, and I'm still so weak. Feeling very lethargic and unmotivated to try exceedingly hard at anything. Figures why I'm blogging, I guess. But this lethargy isn't merely confined to physicality. Over the months, I've found myself being very "lazy" with ministry. My energy and enthusiasm, which are my strengths, have been waning... and I think the youth under my care feel it too. I just have not been giving them my utmost.

Is this perhaps a case of Pastor Steven Low's "Overcrowding of the soul"? It just feels so congested in there. You feel like you need a breakaway. But then again, I don't know what's a good detox session to clear my mind and my spirit. Another Frasers getaway like last year? Perhaps. But then again, I don't see a foreseeable weekend that I'm free to go anywhere anytime soon.

So, it's quite a catch-22 ain't it? You want a pit-stop to get back in the groove fresh. But yet, you can't escape this slowing tempo and you're struggling to match the rhythm. Anyone care to fill in for a session? :)

And then there's the case of being distracted... but we'll leave that for another day.

The best month of the year (hypothetically)

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 10:16:04 GMT

Man, blogging is truly a dying phase of my life. It could mean good things though - like I actually have better things to do in life than spend hours typing for practically a non-existent audience? Hahaha.

Yet, I find myself coming back. Perhaps it's just a part of me that just likes storytelling. The real reason I've been so quiet? Well, this happens when you're unable to share the one thing that's prime on your heart. It's a dilemma, but definitely a good practice of restraint.

It's been quite an eventful few weeks to say the least, and while I'll probably not detail everything, I do want to pay homage to my fellow April babies.

What a gondol-ous picture. There are 4 April babies in this picture - and we're all born in the space of a week!! First we have Erik (April 6), my highschool buddy who's one of the nicest guys ever to be born. I think everyone shares my sentiment that he's found a girl equally as admirable as him - match made in heaven!! Thanks bro for your friendship all these years, and for continuously being my "in-house mechanic and automotive consultant"!

Then there's David (April 7), who typically personifies what a "Tai Kor" should always be. Big, strong, master of all sports, and always ready to listen to your woes and whining (and when you're lost in KL somewhere). Although we're all grown up now, he still watches over us youngens and even the little ones in Sunday School. Needless to say, he's lost none of his big brother instincts. He's not lost any of his insatiable appetite either! :D

Fast forward a week, and we have Daryl (April 14). Probably the quiestest of the bunch, but also the most craziest... who'd think of drifting an Iswara in Camerons near a tea plantation??? (Actually, Rudi would probably think the same) Still the best bassist I've seen live, and a kindred spirit in the anime (and Rurouni Kenshin) when I actually still have the time... hahaha.

Taking a step back, there's these two dashing gentlemen! Cough cough! Hahah. Yeap, that's Dwok Dok @ Hwok Lok and myself born on the auspicious April 13!! Sometimes, kena Friday the 13th la... but thankfully, we're Christians.

Lok has been such a testimony of what it takes to live upstanding for the Lord. He started preaching at a age way younger than any of us, and is still as passionate about God since he was still in the YF! A man of few words but great insight, we've shared many a conversation on the deep things in life as well as the complex (think girls). Like all the other guys mentioned above, Lok also has found his celui ai aime.... and while distance seems a formidable barrier, his resolve and perseverance prove greater still. Am still being inspired by this remarkable dude.

What can I say about the latter dude? 26 this year and still in denial about growing up. God has been remarkably good to him, blessing him with great family, friends, colleagues and ministry. He's also doing well at work and continuously refining his character - learning to love! His birthday celebrations were pretty toned down this year, but he still had a fair bit of surprises here and there :) A simple dinner with family (dad got me a squash racquet!), and Friday's with the BFF's was about as good as it gets. Should've taken a pic with the BFFs!!

Then on April 14 night, the dashing "young man" in red - my Billy Ah Koo, celebrated his 68th in grand style at the Ritz Carlton. It was a glittering night where only family and close friends attended. While the impromptu performances were a bit too demanding, it was still a nice, warm affair just commemorating the occasion with him. He's lived a very prosperous life, and it was especially moving when he dedicated the remaining of his days to whatever calling God would summon him to.

No surprises this year for this pretty lass - but she still turns 18 TODAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZA!! She'll always be eating and eating and eating... but hopefully while at NS, she'll put on some muscles and learn how to stop falling down! Hahaha... I've known her a good five years now, and while most will tell you she's this sweet and quiet girl, there's definitely more than meets the eye! Check out her cheeky look la... ;) My jogging kaki, MSN buddy, and SMS confidante.... definitely growing in wisdom and stature in the Lord. :) Come back soon Za!

Last but most certainly not least is Ms. Lydia Guo Pieng Ping!!! Born on April 29, (oh belum lagi), this now Kiwi girl just recently announced that she's getting married to Ronald!! I can't quite decide whether "it's about time" or "oh, so soon?" but either way, it's something to celebrate. Now if only we could figure out how to get to NZ in a cheap manner... hmmm. Either that or she'll have to give face and come here! Hahahha. Dia has shared so much of my earlier years, and while distance has impacted the friendship, it always feels the same when she's back in the country. I guess some things just don't change-lah! Except maybe the accent. Hehehe.

Ok, that's all - Happy birthday to all of us!!!!

Pillow talks

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:13:49 GMT

When three over 25 year old guys get together for a sleepover last weekend...

a) they talked about girls
b) not in the sappy teenage way (ok, maybe a bit) but with sharing of struggles and laden with scripture
c) it's about accountability
d) listening to each other on advice to make relationships work
e) as well as cute tactics to impress
f) who'd have thought that preachers could have such conversations
g) there was hardly any sleeping (some things never change)
h) very blessed and edifying session.

When three siblings of age ranging 16 to 26 get together for pillow talks...

a) they talked about boys and girls
b) a combination of sappy teenage infatuation and serious near-marriage contemplation/musings
c) it's about gossip, bonding
d) learning that some secrets not so secret after all
e) discovering that trust is strongest in family
f) reemphasizing they're quite kepoh
g) nostalgia reigns
h) brothers and sisters can get along after all
i) there was hardly any sleeping (some things never change)
j) very blessed and worthwhile session
k) sessions like these should not be on Saturday night...

Pillow talks are some of the best relationship-building activities. Problem is, we think it's kiddy/girly and never have time for a good catch up. Only regret was no prayer time.

Grab a pillow, grab your friends, and give your heart, mind, and soul a well deserved "let it out" session. It's worth it.

Viva La Vida

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:11:17 GMT

I'll admit that I don't really quite know the meaning to that Latin phrase - now immortalised by Coldplay. From what people tell me, it means 'living life to the fullest' or along those lines.

I'm in one of those phases again.

Sat on my bed yesterday, thinking about where my life is headed... if it is even headed anywhere. Just there and then, Jim Elliot's words rang in my head:

"God, I pray thee, light these idle sticks of my life and may I burn for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life, but a full one, like you, Lord Jesus"

"A full life." I started to ask God what that meant. Haven't you ever wondered, that at the end of your life... how would you know if you didn't waste it?

At work, there are certain processes that are taken into account for everything we do. Nothing we do, should be ever wasted or in vain. If we work, there must be money accounted for. No free lunch. The final process at the end of all work is measurement. We take into consideration whether the effort produced results, whether it justified investments.

Take the same principle to life. We'd need the KPIs (or key performance indicators) to ascertain accurate measurement. What are our KPIs in life? Love God? Serve God? Love others? Too vague perhaps. Salvation of 5 people? Marriage with 2 kids? Elder in church? Too rigid.

As I sat at my bed in silence, I realised that 26 years of living would have swept me by come this April. 26 years. Wow. What have I achieved? What have I accomplished? What have I offered?

Have I "Viva la Vida-ed"? I searched for many an answer but found nothing, heard nothing. Must we all be missionaries and martyred like Jim to find "full"filment? I know my God well enough to know the answer is 'no'. Yet, I remain perplexed.

God's voice - or rather, my own memory governed by His spirit - recalled me to Ecclesiastes, one of the 'wisdom books' of the Bible. This is what came to me.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. ¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

Nothing is better for men to be happy and do good while they live, for God has set eternity in our hearts. There must be reasons why God does not get into specifics, but even with such perimetres, it's difficult to discertain if my life is worth His investment.

I asked Him for forgiveness. For some reason, I do not feel that my life has been utilised to its potential. Perhaps it's also looking back at the past too often, rather than putting my chin up and surging forward.

"It's better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret."

I also confessed to God how He has had to share some part of my heart with another. Even though I told Him the love is different, I know in my heart who I think of when my eyes open in the morning. Yet, I know between the two who I owe eternity to. It's so ironic how difficult it is to love God - the embodiment of love, the one who has done EVERYTHING possible to love us at most unimaginable. Ironic.

I've lived 26 years. But here's the joke. I'm going to have to work 29 more years before I retire. Haha, talk about putting things in perspective. But it's OK, I have hope that I may find satisfaction in my toil - God's gift :)

Everything will be made beautiful in His time. What a promise.

The truth of the matter.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 09:57:05 GMT

Yes, this post will be about her. It will be the last one I write in a long time. But I also want this to be the most honest I've ever written.

It started quite a while back, think years. I never quite knew what about her caught me, but she did. We were never friends, and it stayed that way for a while. Over time, however, circumstances has its funny way of converging our paths.

She and I finally knew each other on a first-name basis.

My previous relationship ended at the end of 2006. I was really gutted, because I had failed yet another person that I knew I loved. I began to question if I ever understood what 'love' really is, and if I was ever going to be capable of loving someone for the long haul. Aun said it was a psychological thing, I'm fearful that it's a Jon thing.

I made a pact (with myself) that I would not enter another relationship until such a time I felt I was ready. How to know if I was? Well, if you can't do the small things right, forget the big things. My new year resolutions were very specific those 2 years:

Must learn to love sisters - tolerance, don't talk back, don't jump to anger, oblige in transport
Express gratitude and respect to parents - learn to accomodate mom's moods, don't talk back, be around home more often.
Make sure all youth know I love them - let my passion and care speak volumes as an ambassador of Christ

I made many resolutions. Some I kept, some I didn't. But I did improve. I learnt to love that lil' bit better. It was over these few years also that she never quite escaped my attention. Somehow, I "managed" to get to know her a lot better and we became friends. Yet, I chose to keep it to myself... remembering that it was merely 'feelings', and that I was in no condition to accomodate them.

Bottling everything in was arguably the most painful self-inflicted suffering I've put myself through. Sadistically, I took pleasure in knowing that this was a 'refinement through fire' process. After all, sacrifice and selflessness are key tenets of love. Not that I was completely silent, of course. I leaked wherever I could.... here, my MSN, Facebook, etc.

Come last year, the intensity of my affections for her continued to snowball. That's when I decided that this journey was unhealthy to tread alone. I spoke to those I considered closest to, and while some of them supported me, others insisted that I was wasting my time waiting. "Move on" was key message. My reply was always the same: If switching her off was so simple, then wouldn't I have done it much earlier?

It's not always so clearcut. But partially because I really liked her, and deep down refused to.

We live worlds apart, me and her. There were days when I cursed hope for letting me believe something could happen. Other days, I just accepted the fact that reality was what it was and it would be only a matter of time before I had to accept it.

Ellisabeth Elliot's quote of "Let not our longing slay our appetite for the living" slapped me on many an occasion.

Where am I today? Well, me and her continue to progress on this journey. I'm still discovering what it means to love, and what it truly means to TRUST GOD above all. We're friends, and while I don't know if we'll ever be more - but love is not about the expectancy. It's about the giving of oneself, beyond all intents and purposes, for the other.

People speculate, they always do. Yet, speculation means nothing when reality carries no basis for it. But really, all that matters is our commitment and desire to please God. It's strange how the longer I wait and 'suffer', the greater His assurance and peace.

At the end of the day, I'll keep waiting - because I want to. Because that's all I have. It's all that I need right now.

Regardless of how things turn out, she's leading me on this journey to find who I am, and who He is.

God is love. Find him, and I'll find love. And that's the truth of the matter.